Mothers Day

hard to believe tomorrow is Mother's Day. as i sit here, i look at all 3 of my babies.. yes THREE!! how did i end up with 3? well, we all know how that happens, literally.. hahah! but i mean, i remember it like yesterday when i was pregnant with each one of them. like how quikly time flys by. i can remember so vivdly each one of the kids, how i found out, where i was, who i was with.. the feelings that rushed through me. and as i sit looking at them, im filled with happiness. they are the light at the end of the tunnel. they are my reason for breathing, as awful as it sounds. dont take it the wrong way ok! they are the reason & driving force behind everything i do. i never knew what unconditional love meant until i had them. they drive me up the wall, make me want to pull my hair out, yet at the end of the day i love them no less than the day before. i never imagine a true feeling of happiness until they were born. each one of them is different than the other.

C.J. is my little soldier, my little man, my pumpkin booty, my first born, my only boy.. he is the big smile & bear hug followed by "good morning mom! did you have a good sleep?" every morning. the person i can count on to lift my spirits & put a smile on my face even when im feeling at my absolute worst. he always knows when to give me a hug or kiss or a simple "i love you mom" when i need it most. the things he says sometimes blow my mind & make me laugh so hard im in tears! my little soldier holding down the fort while dad is gone. the man of the house... my knight in shinning armour <3

Kalayah? oh she is my little Diva, my drama queen, my Queen-B, my GEMINI.. her fathers daughter! in every sense of the word.. how do i describe her? special! her little giggles when she thinks something is hilarious. the way she says MOM & mommy melt my heart. her big beautiful brown eyes, the crazy/wild curly hair.. my little mommy, helping with her sister & her brother. my eyes and ears around the house. she makes me laugh with her sillyness & her crazieness.. demanding. i can only imagine what she will be like 1 year from now, even 5 years from now. she keeps me on my toes, thats for sure!

last, but DEF not least is Kali.. my baby girl, my coconut face, my Kali-bug, my little ray of sunshine. so bright & bubbly. happy as can be. her laughter is contagious. she smiles at every little thing & babbles & talks so much. she is my people watcher. my little angel. everyday is something new with her. i cant wait to see who she is in a year from now.. finally one who looks more like me! <3

its crazy how 5 years time changes so much. and after all the mountains & valleys i have been through, these 3 little ones are the best memories. each one of them has managed to bring more happiness, love, strength & courage (yes, courage!) to my life... and as difficult it may seem or may get at times, i wouldnt trade having 3 babies EVER!!! i cant even remember what life was really like without them.. boring?? i think so! <3 <3 <3 Happy Mother's Day <3 <3 <3

time stands still

today is now day #2 of week #6, which means are halfway through month #2! thank goodness. it seems like things are moving fairly quickly. sunday night was a different story. it was as if time had suddeny come to a complete HALT! it felt as if my clock had stopped, the entire nation had stopped as we all sat glued to CNN, FaceBook and the telephone. Osama Bin Laden was dead. finally. as i sat trembling with excitement, uncertainty, fear, worry, relief, all i could help think about was Erick. was time standing still for him? was he ok? how were things changing for him? were things getting crazier? it was almost to much to bear. i sat there, in my bed, waiting... and waiting... and waiting some more. finally the words the entire nation was waiting to hear, it was true. my heart sank! even now as i sit writing this, i cant quiet figure out why? was it joy & happiness or fear & worry?? i remember thinking to myself, NOW WHAT? now where do we go from here? are we done yet? can our husbands/fathers/brothers/sons come home yet? so many unanswered questions remain.. makes my head hurt!! ugh!

so i sat there wondering all these things. a million questions i wanted to ask. thinking about Erick and how/if things had changed for him... would they be ok? luckily he called that night, and nothing had changed. life for him hadnt stopped. things were as normal as they could be for him. it was a relief. i wanted to know EVERYTHING that was going on around him. how he was feeling, what he thought, what he was doing, was going to do... and yet i couldnt ask. all i needed to know was he knew & he was fine. then life went on & time continued to tick away... closer to his return.

as far as time from then on, well that rolled on by. filled with the daily fun of running a household with 3 kids. laughter, screaming, fighting, crying.. typical. the things they do still crack me up. we have started to FINALLY get into a routine. kids wake, come into my room & we all lay in my bed watching SpongeBob for an hour. if daddy has called that night they all get hugs & kisses & messages from him, then its the daily "we wanna see dad" so on the computer we go. we log into Facebook & look at the same photos of daddy we have seen over & over & over again. and its always the same reaction, i miss him! DADDY!!! i love him! when is he coming home? it has gotten easier & they seem to be enjoying it. little things we do remind them of daddy..

take for example, a cup left on the counter with water. kalayah saw it & kept telling me "daddy cup, daddy cup". then there is CJ, he likes to do everything the way Erick would.. from shopping, getting in the car, to cleaning the garage. drives me nuts just like dad!! :) things are getting easier, even though i didnt think i would ever be able to say that. truth is, they have! its kind of a scary thought but at the same time makes me feel more at peace now. at peace with the fact that the kids & i WILL be ok & CAN be ok without daddy home. at peace with knowing that there is nothing i can do, i have no control over anything. at peace with knowing that my husband is in danger & will continue to be. at peace with the idea of being alone. at peace with my life...

THIS is my life & i wouldn't trade it for anything... ever!

mother ~ mom ~ mommy

i can hardly contain my excitement!! i finally have something to look forward to, my mother is coming to visit! yay!!! i know a lot of people have relationships with their mothers that they are proud of and i too am one of them. i consider my mother to be, well, my mother! my confidant, my rock, my friend, my family, my box of tissue & my slap in the face when needed. she has been the one constant in this roller coaster i call my life. people have come and gone, and will continue to do so but in the end i know she will be there. she is ALWAYS there... i think we all take our mothers for granted. thinking they will always be there, no matter what, and im sure this is true, but what happens when they arent there? what happens when they are no longer there to support you? to help you pick up the peaces of a broken heart? to guide you through her own experiences? to stear you down the right path? ugh, i cant even keep going with that because the thought of not having my mother brings me to tears.. such a baby i know!

my mother has shown me so much, has shaped me into the woman i am. she taught me how to be strong, how to smile through the tears, how to be a pillar of support & strength for my own children. she taught me to be selfless, all too well. how to be frugal when needed and when not. she taught me that being weak is ok too. to fight for what you believe in, no matter the thoughts of others. to be an individual. i think the one of the most valuable lessons she taught me was to follow my heart.. follow my heart wherever it takes me. 

growing up i remember seeing the things she went through. the struggles of being a mother of a child with a not so great father. learning when and where to place boundaries when needed. having to explain to a child why their father wouldnt be there today.. all while never saying one bad thing about the man that was hurting her baby so badly.. having the courage to let go of her past to pursue her true happines.. letting go of her present because she forsaw her future somewhere else... the little things in life that i never truely realized until now. it seems like my mother is present in everything i do, everything i say and everything i have done, in some way, shape or form. i hear myself telling my kids things she said to me or telling them  stories of things we did together that i now do with them.

at the end of the day, no one can compare to her. she is an amazing woman! a woman that i admire, adore, envy & emulate. i count down the days until she is here again, to share stories, to chat, to relax with, to just be close to again. and i know that at some point that happy time will come to an end again, as it always does when she must leave, but until then i will cherish every min of her company.. i just hope that one day at some point in my own childrens lives that one, yes i say one, of them will look at me the same way i look at my own mother...

i love you mom!

time for reflection

today was just another typical Saturday. kids woke by 715, only unlike yesterday i awoke to C.J. busting down my door yelling "mom!! mom!! help!! Kalayah is stuck in her bed". so whats a mom to do? bolt out of bed and as im rounding the corner into their room, what do i do? bump into Kalayah herself!! now how or what he was talking about i have no idea, all i could do was imagine what the rest of the day would be like... much to my pleasure the rest of the day went by without any major events, aside from the normal nap-time issues...

its funny how you can sit back and reflect on the past.. how different life is now from what it was 4 years ago. i mean, who would have thought that i would be living in NY, alone, raising 3 gorgeous babies, married to the man i was madly in love with.. i never in a million years would have guessed or even dreamt i would be right where i sit now. holding down a home, raising OUR children, waiting for my husband to return. hanging on every phone call. every car that pulls up in front of our house that is unknown makes your heart stop for a second. the 5 min, 3 am phone calls that keep you going, yet tear you to pieces at the same time. sleeping with a computer on the side of your bed and a cell phone on the pillow where my husband once slept. all these things that have occured and are going to continue to occur for the next 11 months. its almost like a fairy tale & nightmare all wrapped into one.

the friends you once had now seem so distant.. to think that at some point those so called friends where such a big influence. you once had too many to count on both hands and now, you have 5, if that, that deserve the title of FRIEND. i would consider them more FAMILY. the ones who sit on the phone with you until the wee hours of the morning, regardless of what their schedule is the next day, becuase they feel your pain and would do anything to give you a split second of peace. those that call or text or email you randomly through out the day with the goofiest things they can think of because they know you could use a smile or a laugh. you may not speak to them for days, weeks or even months! but when the time arrises that you need them they are there with open arms, ears & a box of tissue... never missing a beat, never passing judgments, and never blaming you...

now how my new life and my friends come together into one?? well, it took a while for me to understand people & myself. for me to be able to recognize what a true friend was, what family was & in all that realization is how i came to find my husband. the man that had been my friend for years. had been there when i needed a random txt msg, a shoulder to punch (bitch & complain) or even just a friendly voice. and through all those years of friendship grew an amazing sense of closeness & well, i fell in love. fell in love with his heart, his laughter & voice, his sense of loyalty, his cockyness (and if you know him im sure you know EXACTLY what im talking about), his drive & motivation, his sense of what family was & what it means to him, so much more i could go on and on...

and now here i sit, staring at a wall that ties the 2 together. looking at photos, taken by an amazing new family memeber, of my little family. the husband i miss soo badly, the son that makes me feel soo much better with just one hug becasue he always seems to recognize when i need one, the daughter that makes me laugh so hard im in tears & my baby girl that is coming into her own with every day that passes. they are my motivation. my inspiration to get out of bed even when the long sleepless lonely nights seem never ending & the mornings seem so bleak. my true friends give me the courage to be strong & remind me that i am a strong woman! i am a strong mother! i am a strong wife! so i will continue to sit here & grow stronger with every day that passes. staring at the wall that reminds me why i am here & why my husband is where he is. becuase of OUR FAMILY! <3

the Catlin family...

Go Green or Go Home

well, today started out as any other normal day in the Catlin household. kids up by 7am, turned on cartoons in there room until about 10 min later there was a yell & scream & into the room they came at full speed, waking up the baby. of course that ment mommy had to actually get out of bed, laying there wasn't gonna cut it anymore. upon waking up i found that my toilet was clogged! awsome way to start the day right? so, me being me, i decided i would try to fix it myself only to realize that i needed the one thing we had talked about buying for ever... a plunger! so here we go, off to WalMart by 830 am. now you would think im crazy, but with 3 kids in tow, it was actually the best thing i could've come up with. i needed a few extra things from there so why not take advantage? i managed to get everything we needed and out of the store within 30 min, without any meltdowns... success!! once home i decided to give it a try, needless to say that was NOT a success... thank god for maintanence! fixed within 20 min :) yay! onto the next mission for the day...

the title for today is Go Green or Go Home! why you might ask? well thats because it was the title to my sons school parade today. the girls and i went, even though they only got to nap for 1 hr. of course my son being who he is, had to be the center of attention when it all started. he was picked to ride a scooter in the parade with his school made hat. now mind you it was VERY windy today, when he came out of the gym his hat flew off & he decided to run with it. on his scooter he started yelling, WHOA! THE WIND IS BLOWING ME AWAY!! as he rode through the grass. of course no other child seemed to be having the same problem. all i could do was sit & laugh & think to myself, only my kid! funny thing is, all the other parents busted up laughing too :) this event triggered my next adventure for the day...

of course we also experienced the normalicies of a typical day. for example, nap time crying & Kalayah sleeping in her brothers bed instead of her own. the daily sibling rivalry, over EVERYTHING! its the story of my life. then there are the plus sides of it, the hugs, kisses, smiles & all around love for each other in the end. of course the day wouldn't be complete without the i miss daddy moments. the ones that break my heart. like WalMart's "mom i wish Erick was here" or the crying episode at school during the Lawn Party becuase he wanted him there too... those moments are the hardest parts of the day. trying to hold back the tears as i comfort my sons tears. laughing & smiling as my heart is breaking inside. and when everyone else asks if everything is ok, i lie and see things are perfect...  the price we pay for the family we love. and yes, i pay a price, but it is a very small price compared to that of my husband or even my son. in the end, i know that everything will turn out ok & the boys (both) will be ok. we are a strong family and my boys are tough and what hurts you only makes you stronger... or atleast thats what i tell myself.

11 more months

where to begin... its been quite an adventure since daddy left a little over a month ago. he is deployed to Afghanistan for 12 months and we have been "left behind". the kids have began to get used to the idea that daddy isn't coming home, sadly, mommy hasn't quiet gotten to that point. its been difficult not having someone to share the ups & downs with. my partner in crime. my passion. my other half. not being able to pickup the phone or send a text to share what one of the kids has done or said.. and trust me, with 3 kids under 5 there is ALWAYS something going on. i figured this would be a good idea, a way for me to share what has been going on & how i'm feeling..

so much has changed in the past 30 days that he has been away... kids have seemed to grow so much. C.J. became a 3 striped yellow belt in Taekwondo, Kalayah began making half sentences & sleeping in a toddler bed & our baby girl, Kali began to get up on her knees to crawl. they have gotten used to the way things work around here, from waking up in the morning & climbing into bed to relax and watch cartoons with me, to how things work when we are on the move. they surprise me each day with their shenanigans...

i decided that each day i would put their adventures into words, not just theirs but mine as well. my adventures as a "solo mommy of 3" until daddy returns to us. he may not be able to read these right away, as his time is limited and most of it is spent on the phone with us. my hope is that at some point he be able to read what i have written and help him feel as close to us as i feel to him as i write this....

we love you & miss you daddy...