time stands still

today is now day #2 of week #6, which means are halfway through month #2! thank goodness. it seems like things are moving fairly quickly. sunday night was a different story. it was as if time had suddeny come to a complete HALT! it felt as if my clock had stopped, the entire nation had stopped as we all sat glued to CNN, FaceBook and the telephone. Osama Bin Laden was dead. finally. as i sat trembling with excitement, uncertainty, fear, worry, relief, all i could help think about was Erick. was time standing still for him? was he ok? how were things changing for him? were things getting crazier? it was almost to much to bear. i sat there, in my bed, waiting... and waiting... and waiting some more. finally the words the entire nation was waiting to hear, it was true. my heart sank! even now as i sit writing this, i cant quiet figure out why? was it joy & happiness or fear & worry?? i remember thinking to myself, NOW WHAT? now where do we go from here? are we done yet? can our husbands/fathers/brothers/sons come home yet? so many unanswered questions remain.. makes my head hurt!! ugh!

so i sat there wondering all these things. a million questions i wanted to ask. thinking about Erick and how/if things had changed for him... would they be ok? luckily he called that night, and nothing had changed. life for him hadnt stopped. things were as normal as they could be for him. it was a relief. i wanted to know EVERYTHING that was going on around him. how he was feeling, what he thought, what he was doing, was going to do... and yet i couldnt ask. all i needed to know was he knew & he was fine. then life went on & time continued to tick away... closer to his return.

as far as time from then on, well that rolled on by. filled with the daily fun of running a household with 3 kids. laughter, screaming, fighting, crying.. typical. the things they do still crack me up. we have started to FINALLY get into a routine. kids wake, come into my room & we all lay in my bed watching SpongeBob for an hour. if daddy has called that night they all get hugs & kisses & messages from him, then its the daily "we wanna see dad" so on the computer we go. we log into Facebook & look at the same photos of daddy we have seen over & over & over again. and its always the same reaction, i miss him! DADDY!!! i love him! when is he coming home? it has gotten easier & they seem to be enjoying it. little things we do remind them of daddy..

take for example, a cup left on the counter with water. kalayah saw it & kept telling me "daddy cup, daddy cup". then there is CJ, he likes to do everything the way Erick would.. from shopping, getting in the car, to cleaning the garage. drives me nuts just like dad!! :) things are getting easier, even though i didnt think i would ever be able to say that. truth is, they have! its kind of a scary thought but at the same time makes me feel more at peace now. at peace with the fact that the kids & i WILL be ok & CAN be ok without daddy home. at peace with knowing that there is nothing i can do, i have no control over anything. at peace with knowing that my husband is in danger & will continue to be. at peace with the idea of being alone. at peace with my life...

THIS is my life & i wouldn't trade it for anything... ever!