Mothers Day

hard to believe tomorrow is Mother's Day. as i sit here, i look at all 3 of my babies.. yes THREE!! how did i end up with 3? well, we all know how that happens, literally.. hahah! but i mean, i remember it like yesterday when i was pregnant with each one of them. like how quikly time flys by. i can remember so vivdly each one of the kids, how i found out, where i was, who i was with.. the feelings that rushed through me. and as i sit looking at them, im filled with happiness. they are the light at the end of the tunnel. they are my reason for breathing, as awful as it sounds. dont take it the wrong way ok! they are the reason & driving force behind everything i do. i never knew what unconditional love meant until i had them. they drive me up the wall, make me want to pull my hair out, yet at the end of the day i love them no less than the day before. i never imagine a true feeling of happiness until they were born. each one of them is different than the other.

C.J. is my little soldier, my little man, my pumpkin booty, my first born, my only boy.. he is the big smile & bear hug followed by "good morning mom! did you have a good sleep?" every morning. the person i can count on to lift my spirits & put a smile on my face even when im feeling at my absolute worst. he always knows when to give me a hug or kiss or a simple "i love you mom" when i need it most. the things he says sometimes blow my mind & make me laugh so hard im in tears! my little soldier holding down the fort while dad is gone. the man of the house... my knight in shinning armour <3

Kalayah? oh she is my little Diva, my drama queen, my Queen-B, my GEMINI.. her fathers daughter! in every sense of the word.. how do i describe her? special! her little giggles when she thinks something is hilarious. the way she says MOM & mommy melt my heart. her big beautiful brown eyes, the crazy/wild curly hair.. my little mommy, helping with her sister & her brother. my eyes and ears around the house. she makes me laugh with her sillyness & her crazieness.. demanding. i can only imagine what she will be like 1 year from now, even 5 years from now. she keeps me on my toes, thats for sure!

last, but DEF not least is Kali.. my baby girl, my coconut face, my Kali-bug, my little ray of sunshine. so bright & bubbly. happy as can be. her laughter is contagious. she smiles at every little thing & babbles & talks so much. she is my people watcher. my little angel. everyday is something new with her. i cant wait to see who she is in a year from now.. finally one who looks more like me! <3

its crazy how 5 years time changes so much. and after all the mountains & valleys i have been through, these 3 little ones are the best memories. each one of them has managed to bring more happiness, love, strength & courage (yes, courage!) to my life... and as difficult it may seem or may get at times, i wouldnt trade having 3 babies EVER!!! i cant even remember what life was really like without them.. boring?? i think so! <3 <3 <3 Happy Mother's Day <3 <3 <3

time stands still

today is now day #2 of week #6, which means are halfway through month #2! thank goodness. it seems like things are moving fairly quickly. sunday night was a different story. it was as if time had suddeny come to a complete HALT! it felt as if my clock had stopped, the entire nation had stopped as we all sat glued to CNN, FaceBook and the telephone. Osama Bin Laden was dead. finally. as i sat trembling with excitement, uncertainty, fear, worry, relief, all i could help think about was Erick. was time standing still for him? was he ok? how were things changing for him? were things getting crazier? it was almost to much to bear. i sat there, in my bed, waiting... and waiting... and waiting some more. finally the words the entire nation was waiting to hear, it was true. my heart sank! even now as i sit writing this, i cant quiet figure out why? was it joy & happiness or fear & worry?? i remember thinking to myself, NOW WHAT? now where do we go from here? are we done yet? can our husbands/fathers/brothers/sons come home yet? so many unanswered questions remain.. makes my head hurt!! ugh!

so i sat there wondering all these things. a million questions i wanted to ask. thinking about Erick and how/if things had changed for him... would they be ok? luckily he called that night, and nothing had changed. life for him hadnt stopped. things were as normal as they could be for him. it was a relief. i wanted to know EVERYTHING that was going on around him. how he was feeling, what he thought, what he was doing, was going to do... and yet i couldnt ask. all i needed to know was he knew & he was fine. then life went on & time continued to tick away... closer to his return.

as far as time from then on, well that rolled on by. filled with the daily fun of running a household with 3 kids. laughter, screaming, fighting, crying.. typical. the things they do still crack me up. we have started to FINALLY get into a routine. kids wake, come into my room & we all lay in my bed watching SpongeBob for an hour. if daddy has called that night they all get hugs & kisses & messages from him, then its the daily "we wanna see dad" so on the computer we go. we log into Facebook & look at the same photos of daddy we have seen over & over & over again. and its always the same reaction, i miss him! DADDY!!! i love him! when is he coming home? it has gotten easier & they seem to be enjoying it. little things we do remind them of daddy..

take for example, a cup left on the counter with water. kalayah saw it & kept telling me "daddy cup, daddy cup". then there is CJ, he likes to do everything the way Erick would.. from shopping, getting in the car, to cleaning the garage. drives me nuts just like dad!! :) things are getting easier, even though i didnt think i would ever be able to say that. truth is, they have! its kind of a scary thought but at the same time makes me feel more at peace now. at peace with the fact that the kids & i WILL be ok & CAN be ok without daddy home. at peace with knowing that there is nothing i can do, i have no control over anything. at peace with knowing that my husband is in danger & will continue to be. at peace with the idea of being alone. at peace with my life...

THIS is my life & i wouldn't trade it for anything... ever!

mother ~ mom ~ mommy

i can hardly contain my excitement!! i finally have something to look forward to, my mother is coming to visit! yay!!! i know a lot of people have relationships with their mothers that they are proud of and i too am one of them. i consider my mother to be, well, my mother! my confidant, my rock, my friend, my family, my box of tissue & my slap in the face when needed. she has been the one constant in this roller coaster i call my life. people have come and gone, and will continue to do so but in the end i know she will be there. she is ALWAYS there... i think we all take our mothers for granted. thinking they will always be there, no matter what, and im sure this is true, but what happens when they arent there? what happens when they are no longer there to support you? to help you pick up the peaces of a broken heart? to guide you through her own experiences? to stear you down the right path? ugh, i cant even keep going with that because the thought of not having my mother brings me to tears.. such a baby i know!

my mother has shown me so much, has shaped me into the woman i am. she taught me how to be strong, how to smile through the tears, how to be a pillar of support & strength for my own children. she taught me to be selfless, all too well. how to be frugal when needed and when not. she taught me that being weak is ok too. to fight for what you believe in, no matter the thoughts of others. to be an individual. i think the one of the most valuable lessons she taught me was to follow my heart.. follow my heart wherever it takes me. 

growing up i remember seeing the things she went through. the struggles of being a mother of a child with a not so great father. learning when and where to place boundaries when needed. having to explain to a child why their father wouldnt be there today.. all while never saying one bad thing about the man that was hurting her baby so badly.. having the courage to let go of her past to pursue her true happines.. letting go of her present because she forsaw her future somewhere else... the little things in life that i never truely realized until now. it seems like my mother is present in everything i do, everything i say and everything i have done, in some way, shape or form. i hear myself telling my kids things she said to me or telling them  stories of things we did together that i now do with them.

at the end of the day, no one can compare to her. she is an amazing woman! a woman that i admire, adore, envy & emulate. i count down the days until she is here again, to share stories, to chat, to relax with, to just be close to again. and i know that at some point that happy time will come to an end again, as it always does when she must leave, but until then i will cherish every min of her company.. i just hope that one day at some point in my own childrens lives that one, yes i say one, of them will look at me the same way i look at my own mother...

i love you mom!